1700. MR THOMAS .BOSTON. 109 of power and life with it on my own heart, railing my love to Chrift. But at my !Indies I found it hard to believe what I was meditating on, concerning the love of Chrift ; fo that , it fent me to God against it, and I find Rill I have but a ftruggling with un- belief. I have this day found my heart bettered by a more con- fcientious preparing my heart for family-woríhip. Sabbath, Feb. 18. this morning I fpent in prayer and medita- tion, found my heart much concerned for fuccefs, and a firm be- lief of the word in my own heart ; yet my vigour was in decay ere I went out. It is strange there is fcarcely one Sabbath morn- ing wherein I have not deadnefs to wreftle with, either when I arife, or ere I go out. In the preaching the Lord loofed all my bands. Betwixt fermons I was helped to fee, that I had be- lieved my doctrine, andI didbelieve it ; and I- thought it a token the Lord would help me to believe my _afternoon-do&rine ; and my foul longed to be in the church again to preach Chrift and I was helped to fpeak. But O ! íä11 I found it difficult firmly to believe. In time of fermon I feat up fome ejaculations for it. When Icame home, I found indeed my foul receiving Chrift heartily, leaning on him, laying all the ftrefs of my falvation on Chrift crucified. As to the particular thing's in his fufferings mentioned in the fermon, I had a kind of affent to them ; but it had little power with it. I could get no further than to lean on a crucified Chrift. I found alfo I could not believe (i. e. feeing- ly be perfuaded of) the greatnefs of Chrift's love to believers. It is a molt difficult talk. But who can comprehend it? O that my foul could apprehend it. When I look on Chrift's love par- ticularly terminated on Abraham, Paul, &c. it was more. afy to obferve it. [Note, here is a poring on fore worth in the crea- ture to commend it to Chrift.] At the exercife I got fo little fa- tisfaótionof my people, that I fcarcely got a word of the law- fermon,. and very little of the gofpel-fermon. This gave me a deep wound ; and the unfuccefsfulnefs ofthe gofpel has been and is very heavy to me. Some thinkme happy becaufe I have fo few people, and there not unruly ; fome thinkotherwife, becaufe of the meannefs of the port and ftipend : but none of thefe move me, but that I am like to fpend My ffrength in vain. Lord, thou knoweft it. was, my duty to preach what I preached this day. I was confirmed in it at the morning-exercife from Pfal. xl. 10. It was not the lean weight that lay on me this morning, that I have none (if I may thy it (I fear it is fo) but G. G.) to give me help by their prayers. [N. B. Bre they and I parted, glory to the power ofgrace, I durit neither fay nor think this.] Being to go to family- exercife, I went to prayer, and came away with my foul knit to Chrift, all made up of defires and wants. My fa- ther went about the exercife, and he miftaking our ordinary, Tung Pfal. xli. from the beginning. O it was fweet to me, it anfwer- ed my cafe, being confcious'to myfelfof my concern for others, which I feared might cut my days, exhaufting my fpirits. That No. 3. O
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