116 MEMOIRS OF PERIOD YII. my hand on my mouth, and take with the punifhment ofmine iniquity ; yet remained I like a man half, afleep, Rill going to rife up, but falling down again ; which was dreadful to me, ` confideringwhat pains the Lord had takenonme. So on Mon- ' day waseight days I ufed íbme means more than bare ordinary, ` for cafting out the devil, which that affli&ion could not call out- -; and it pleated the Lord (as I thought) to blow upon me ; and fuch fpeedy and furprifing anfwer of prayer I got, ` and fuch outmaking of(efpecially) one`particular promife, that ` I, was fully confirmed in the matter of the Lord's accepting me, and taking me within the bond of the covenant. And this lafted ' fweetly thethree following days. But going abroadon Friday, rejoicing in the Lord, (it was to make a vifit), I fb mifmanaged matters, that I came home drooping -;' and the Lord fo left ` me, as that my ftrengthagainft corruption wasgone, anddiftruft of God; trampled me under foot. After fometime I thought I got up refolutely again, and endeavoured to encourage myfelf in the Lord ; but Satan fbon after got in upon my weak fide; ' which I think will ruin me, that fpurns all. means. And . thus was .I cart down again: and nowmy vigour and life, if ever I had any, is gone; and I am fit for 'nothing, though I mutt be doing. It is ftrangely racking to me to obferve, how that before lbnie folemn approach to God, or immediately after I haveattained (as I think) to fume nearnefs to God, Satan gets vi&oryover me. I many timesfear my fpot is not the fpot of God's people : and though I would fain make ufe of force former experiences, yet I' am dreadfully afraid that the Lord fuffers me to fall at fuch times, to undeceive me as to thefe things. I (hall not trouble you more, though I have .many things that are not eafy to me. 1 intreat,'if you can have any liberty with the Lord on my account, remember me.' Some time ago I could not eafily have clofed a verbal difcourfe, or a letter, without fömethìng to the commendation of Chrift; but, alas ! it is not fo now ! But myheart defires that others mayenjoy much of him, though I be 11i11 holden back ; and that he may be glorified, come of me what will. How far I.followed my above-mentioned purpofe, of retrench- ing my "painfulnefs' in Rudy, I cannot determine : but I well re- member, that, that feafon, ftiil finding my ftrength exhaufted on the Saturdays nights, I refolved to ftudy my fermons on the Fri- day. The which courfe being begun, and the advantage thereof fbon perceived, I have lince that time kept all along to this day ; bating occafional interruptions ; which, when they happened, were painful, in refpeét of my being fo habituated to ltudying that day. So I fpent the Saturday in other ¡Indies, as I found convenient ; till night, that I mandated my fermons, and pre- pared my le&ure, leaving the review thereof only to the Sabbath morning. 'Phis was all along my ordinary courfe as to my fer- Icons ; but of late years I have been wont to leave the preparing
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