198 LIFE OF RICHARD BAXTER. also as to the love of God, and trusting in him : sometimes, when the motives are clearly apprehended, the duty is more easy and de- lightful ; and at other times, I am merely passive and dull, if not guilty of actual despondency and distrust. "40. 1 am much more cautelous in my beliefof history than heretofore. Not that I run into their extreme, that will believe nothing, because they cannot believe all things. But I am abun- dantly satisfied, by the experience of this age, that there is no be- lieving two sorts of men, ungodly men, and partial men, though an honest heathen of no religion may be believed, where enmity against religion biaseth himnot ; yet a debauched Christian, besides his enmity to the power and practice of his own religion, is seldom without some further bias óf interest and faction; especially when these concur, and a man is both ungodly and ambitious, espousing an interest contrary to a holy, heavenly life, and also factious, em- bodying himself with a sect or party suited to his spirit and designs, ,there is no believing his word or oath." " Thusmuchofthe alterations ofmy soul, sincemy younger years, I thoughtbest to give the reader, instead of all those experiences and actual motions and affections which I suppose'him rather to have expected an account of. And having transcribed thus much of a life which God bath read, and conscience bath read, and must further read, I humbly lament it, and beg pardon ofit, as sinful, and too unequal and unprofitable. I warn the reader to amend that in his own which he findeth to.have been amiss in mine; con- fessing also that much bath been amiss which I have not here par- ticularly mentioned, and that I have not lived according to the abundant mercies of the. Lord. But what I have recorded bath been especially to perform my vows, and declare his praise to all generations, who bath filled up my days with his invaluable favors, and bound me to bless his name forever." "Having mentioned the changes which I thinkwere for the bet- ter, I must add, that, as I confessed many of my sins before, so I have been guilty of many since, which, ,because materially they seemed small, have,had the less tesistance, and yet, an the review, do trouble me more than if they had been greater, done in igno- rance." " To have sinned whileI preached and wrote against sin, and had such abundant and great obligations from God, apd made so many promises against it, doth lay me very low; not so much in fear of hell, as ingreat displeasure against myself, and such self - abhorrence as would cause revenge upon myself, were it not for- bidden. When God forgiveth me, I cannot forgive myself ; espe- cially for my rash wordsor deeds, by. which I have seemed injuri- ous and less tender and kind than should have been to my near and dear relations, whose love-abundantly obliged me. When
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