Numb. III: APPENDIX 59 tcible Neceffity : That in the Levitical Orderappointedby God; there is a moral ' equity refpedting the Minifters of the Gofpel, both Separation to the Work, and ' and Maintenance in it ; and however People may Imagine, thecontrary Princi- ples and Pradtices prove dithonourable to God, and deftruative to Rel#gióh.. . In the multitudeof thefe Thoughts I began to conclude, that it was not poffrbld ' for me tohold my Relation to the Peopled now ferve, and that Godenlightened me in thefethings onpurpofe to appear ageinft there, and lead Othersoat of them in this Confidence I grew bold, and began to preach fomething publickly that I knew would turn the Congregation againft me; and fo prepare me for my Re: , turn to Mr. yobs from whom I feparated about Five Years ago : But the ' Truth is, as I began to widen from the Church I relate to, my Soul lank' into ' deep Mire; where there was no ftanding, into a horrible Pit, the Arrowsof the t Lord (tuck fall in me, and hisHand preffed me fore, the Poyfon of then drunk upmy Spirit, and the Terrors of the Lord fen themfelves inarray againfl me, in 'headof the Smiles of Chrift, and the comfortableTefliniony of Confcience, as to a fervice pleating to God and the Lord JefusChrift, I met with helliflr:Horrors. `Temptations to defpair of God's Love tome, and much ado to keepmyhead s above Water. ` Whereupon I humbled my Pelfunder the mighty Hand of God, and flops my `prefent Profecutions ofmy Purpofes, whichwas to have burnetey Books ; to have ' returned to Mr. Goodwin's again; to have provided my Papers with force Additi- ' ons, and a folemn Addrefs to all the Churches under that Form ' But meeting ' with this wonderful Oppofition from God, my Hand hangeth down, and my Kneefeeble, I am hi anamaze, not knowing what to fay; think, or do : But this Ihave found, That as wideningfrom thePeople I ate with brought us great di- ' ftrefs, fo joining with them again affuageth the Waters of my Aftlidtion; upod t thefe Terms I Band not daring to ftirfrom them, nor do any thing to prejudice my ëfteeni with them : But yet not fatisfied neither through Fear, leali by going s onthe was I am engaged in; I Ihouldcountenance a Byway not pleatng to God. ' And thus by degrees, I have opened to you the perfedt State of my Cale; but it ' was becaufe you would askme what matter the Enemy (if it were the Enemy) ' wrought on to make me fo great Afflidtionupon it, one thing was force Thoughts ' of Heart that I had had concerning my Children t That made it indeed a mat- ' terdefitable tome to be out of this way; but My Confcience telleth me the `Thoughts was lawful and good, and that they had not the leali influence in the change of ,my. Judgment. Another thing is, the way we are in is a very narrow way, and we have force Chriffians, my dear and intimate Friends,- that walk in ' it, that excel! in holinefs, and are gone fomewhat farther. out of the World with ` their Hearts, through theirFaith and Senfe of future things than ordinarilyChri- `luans go; thefe all frown'd on me. And then g. The way I Ihould return to a was More open, and the Perfons lefsfenfble (Oh, Sir, there is abundance have Knowledge, but there is but a few havea -rich Sente) 4. I lhould leave thePóor; ` and gò among the Rich, that minded. more the adorning of the outward Mati than the gloriousGofpel ofChrift ordinarily : whereas my Spirit is much fetagain gay Apparel and following of Fathions ; not bet that Mt Goodwin's Church is at `loher as molt, I think as any; But the Truth is, it is a Site irr my Apprehenfion at leali) that few are (efficiently fenfible of. s. My Confcience telleth .mè, that ' as for Parifhes, there is no proceedings in Par that are worthy theNameof `Church,Proceedings ordinarily. There is indeed in force few an able Man to ` Preach, and the Peoplego to hear, but as for watching, /irking, and nourithing, ' and fuch like faithful Proceedings for the Health ofSouls, there are but few lay any such things to Heart; fo that the Par'rthes, for the moll part, are but like a ` dead Corps without Life. The livingStones are gone into one gatheredChurch or ' ocher, but3 confeti, I do not find thembieffed after. h., Another thing was the ' Danger that the Souls of our Friends would be in upon my leaving them. % The- 'makingof thoufandsof Hearts lad, who have their Eyes upon me. ` I perceive your Propotitions at the end of your Letter, Alas for me, I Shall be ' fit fornothing, except God be pleafed to heat my wounded Spirit T that is my great Care for the preterit, how to behave my Pelf to obtain the Light of his ' Countenance. IfGod would go before me,. and lead me, I would do any thing, "theJoy of the Lord is our Strength ; but however I thank Godthat enableth-me ` tohold out waiting ; I am fire my Soul hungered/ and thirfteth after Righteouf- ' nefs more than all Riches, and therefore lam under the Promife of being fill'd at last : I have indeed coveted to serveGod; and fecredy plotted how to raft nay M- I} ' fairs'
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