112 MEMOIRS OF PERIOD VÍI. and therewith the profpe6t of my difficulties created me fome un- eafrnefs. Thereafter I was in fuch diforder, that I forced on a vomit, begun of itfelf. The bodily indifpofition continued ; but by that little twinge my fpirit was fomewhat bettered, havinggot a little revival ; and I was comforted in reading the marks of faith in Craighead's fermons. Thus it continued on the Thurf. day, in which I did nothing but prepare my. fernion : in deliver- ingwhereof I had force light, and a little life ; and durft not but biefs the Lord for what I had, however little. I' received a letter from Mr Murray, (hewing the untendercarriageoffome minifters in Nithfdale ; which wasvery wounding to me, and feemed, with other things, to write death to the generation. Sabbath, March 3. The twodays before I hada twilight frame ; it being neither day nor night with me. I had not fo much ado to ftrive with the world as before fometirnes ; nor did my foulgo forth habitually after Chrift with any tolerable vigour. But this morning I was quite lifelefs when I arofe ; became afterwards íenfible of my cafe, but could get no recovery. I was fo bound up in one prayer, that I could not fay one word, but either.men- tally or vocally groan out that, ` Lord have mercy on me.' Af- terwards came'in force worldly thoughts, that gave me the other backfet. When I went to the church, we fung Pfal. lxix. 13.- 16. My own cafe gave me light into it. Then I went to prayer ; and my body and fpirit were both like to faint, fo that I had not ability to fpeak 'out ; and thus continued a while,. A t Taft the Lord call a live coal into 'my dead heart, and quite changed me both in body and mind ; and with light and life I lectured and preached alto. This continued in theafternoon, and at the even- ing-exercife too, where Pfal. xci. 14. and downwards'was very fweet and ftrengthening, and as a fconce againft mine enemies. Yet afterwards I had a violent temptation to, unbelief in a parti- cular point, which I had, defignedly for mytelf, touched in my fermon. This was fo ttrong, that I could not matter it, for all my preaching about it. I laid it out before the Lord before I went to bed, and while there wreftled againft it, though with lit- tle fuccefs. In my retirement after fermons that day, bleffing God for what I had met with, I had a petition, that God would either keep me, from the cafe I was in before, or elfe would take . me home to himfelf. Upon which I find I made the following reflection, viz. ` It may be it will not come intoChrift's cenfer; but I am fure, it was my love to Chrift, and hatred of fin, that Was at the root of it.' On the morrow, having too foon entertained thoughts of a bufinefs, though indeed charitable, i was unfitted for my proper work. I vifited a minifter that day ; when I came away, my fpirit funk. I íáw how others, whom yet I dare not in force things imitate, knewmore of, religion, were more lifted up in the waysof the Lord, than I ; yea, while I am quite in the dark, I preach, and mutt preach, what many others (betide whom I
RkJQdWJsaXNoZXIy OTcyMjk=