114 MEMOIRS 07 PERIOD VII, a clog to me. Writing my cafe to Mr Murray, I difcerned fome- ground of comfort in it, efpecially from my deliberate delire of the glory of Chrift, corne of me what will. My prayers for my father were heard. In the morning of the Lord's day, I took fome thoughts of my notes, the rather to keep my heart ftedfaft, left by loofe meditations altogether it fhould not fo well be held fixed, but beguile me, as foinetimes before. And this,' reckon, was the occafion of bringing me off from that way of fpending the Sabbath morning in fuch meditations ; and in coming over from it, to the other method, of thinking on my notes, I defìgned the imprelting ofmy heart with what I was to deliver, and to get it kept in a frame for preaching ; thus ftill purfuing the former defign, but in another method, whereby I judged I was more likely to reach it. When I went away to the kirk, I endeavoured to propofe to myfelf thegood of the people, and encouraged my- Pelf in the Lord. In the preface my vigour was fmall, the relics of my old frame ftill hanging about me : but thereafter I was helped in all. I preached moftly from experience, in the after- noon ; and itwas fweet. When I came home, I was grieved at the heart for my mifmanagement ofduty, efpecially fornemotions to be lifted up on the account of my atfiftance, though, when I confider things, being fenfible of my own weaknefs, I would be afhamed to open my mouth before many preachers. I had been for Come time folicitous how' to manage the vifiting of families; the matters of families being workmen, and fo can fcarcely be found in the day-time in their houfes ; but at prayer, the day be-. fore, as I fuppofe, it flipt into my mind, that I should take the Sabbath afternoons for it, and this when I was not praying about this particular. Afterwards, though the motion, as fo timed, was unfeafonable ; yet on reaforable grounds I thought I would embrace it. But fuch was the deceit of my heart, and foforward was I, that, without ever once laying it before the Lord in prayer, I made intimation, there would be no public exercif: that night fo, when Iwas to go out for that effect at night, and was praying for the Lord's help, I was feverely checked for this my rath de, termination, and confeffed it before .the Lord. But feeing all other doors now clofed up, I thought it my duty for this time, and the Lord was pleafed to be with me in the work. But ere long, viz. Monday March 11. Satan caft me down. I confeffed and mourned, but afterwards guilt lay fo heavy on me, that I could have no confidence to pray for the people. After that my heart hardened, and I had no freedom in fpirit for prayer. Then did my foul fink, and I found no place of ftandin, as one forgotten, yea and calf off of God, whofé fpot is not the fpot of God's peo- ple. And thus I continued very long, finking and going down. I went to the family-duties, and defired my father to perform them ; and I, as a poor malefactor, fung my own doom, Pfal. lü. 6. and downwards, approving the juftice of God. Retiring, I 'got leave to pour out my foul before the Lord, and was fomewhat
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