164 MEMOIRS OF + RIOD +firm. as to the caufes of it, I had before found out on viz. a woful defire I had of vain-glory laft night. This I 'confeffed before the Lord, when the darknefs came on ; but no alteration of my frame could I get. But now at prayer I was let into another caufe. The laft year, fo far as I remember, my health brokeon the 11th of February. On Saturday lait, the 15thof this inftant, I had refolved to fpend force time in prayer. 'But finding my body fore weakened after my ftudies on Friday, I altered my re- folution of having that exercife on the Saturday, and_delayed it till this week, fearing this weaknefs might be the beginning of the feared breach of my health. On Saturday my indifpofition continued, and on the Lord's day my ftrength was fmall. Now I began to fear the Lord had thus left me, becaufe of Miffing that duty on Saturday laft : but I repelled this, {being, thought I, my being fo very feeble on Friday's night was a juft ground to delay it, till my bodywere fit for that work. But when I came to prayer, in the progrefs of that duty, a conviction of guilt in that point, and that I had not trufted God for bodily ftrength, for his fervice, Avas fo born in and fattened on my foul, that I behoved to let go my carnal reafhnings as fig-leaf covers, and take with it. Then I confeffed it before the Lord, and fled for a refuge to the blood of Chrift. And thereupon followed an alteration upon my frame, and my perplexed and confufed foul was eared, though I walked halting under the fence of that guilt. So, as I had opportunity, I purfued.. wy defign through the reft of that day. At night the fociety for Chriftian fellowfhip met. And I obferved,, that this bufinefs, which has fallen out of their prayers for fome time, came in again this night. R. Aitchifon prayed firft, a man in whomI think is the fpirit of prayer: I took notice, that his prayer about it wasjuft as his prayerswere this time twelvemonth, when that bufinefs was fet on foot firft by the call. He prayed for light to nie, that God would profper my work if I be to flay with them; and that if I go, God may be with me, and loofe their affections from me. So prayed he at firft. But before the prefbytery on Dec. 12. there was an aftonifhing boldnefs add freedom with the Lord among them in that matter, in him efpecially, which feemed to me prophetic. Wonderful, wonderful, is the conduct of Providence ! This defection with the outgate feemed to me to clear me in another cafe about this bufinefs. On the Lord's-day morning, as Aid is, I was fet on my feet by,that word, Jer. xxxix. 17, 18. ; but at night I began to ftagger again, upon the confideration of my bodily indifpófition. It feerned to be coming on as laft year; and I thought, that if it fhould be thus with me" at the fynod, whatever other things might point out to me, I feared this would leave me in the lurch : for ifmatters, on the one hand, look fo as to bid me yield ; this indifpofition, on the other hand, fpeaks ftrongly again{t it ; feeing it would appear unfair towards that parifh for me to yield to take the charge of them under fuck
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