200 MEMOIRS OP PERIOD Ir. fpirit, and a great and heavy grief. When I lay down in my bed, my grief increafed ; my wilful willrwas a fpeétacle of horror to trié. And, under this conviótion, I was fo 'filled with the terror of Cod, that both flelh and fpirit were like to fail and faint away. I endeavoured to flee to, and make ufe of the blood of Chrift for pardon : and though I would have bought that mercy at a very dear rate, yet I was eonfcious to myfelf; and protefted, that I was:not, and would not,be content with that mercy, but with the favour of God, and his good will with it, and defied to give up my will to the will of God.. [Nota, It was not long ere my patience in this point was put to the trial again : So íh.ort lived are mercies that fall off the tree of Providenceere they be ripe.] Friday, Dec. 30. I received a letter from Mrs M. Home, wherein the iáys, the is wearying Of ` this life of a beatt ;' which made impreffion on me. The next day, it pleated the Lord to give me a more than ordinary outletting of his Spirit, which I was fomewhat helped to improve ; the rather that there was at that time in my mind, a diflatisfacîion about my public work, both as to my preaching and the people's hearing, which I would fain have feen changed tothe better. And indeed it was better with me on the Lord's day. And now the Lord was a com- mentator on the fcripture to me, at family-duties. I fpent a part of Monday morning in prayer ; and by that exercife, and making confcience of preparing for family-duties I found myfelf bettered: On the Tuefday I fpent forne time in fatting and prayer, and .renewed my covenant with God ; and that week I was kept hea- venly for the molt part; and till this day. Jan. 22. 1710. Though I havehad feveral ups and downs, yet I have at leafs been kept ftruggling. And as to this time, I may Thy, 1. I had never more deep impreflìons of the life of a beaft, ..being in fore fort weary of`the neceflity of eating, fleeping, &c. with a holy contempt of them, longing to be beyond all thefe things, and content topart with all my created comforts. I have .alto felt my foul molt fenfibly going put in love to God, and feen tray foul molt plainly taking atilt for my portion, and accepting of the bleffed, Bridegroom. It bath been my exercife how to dire& thefe things in the life of the beast, to the Lord, to refer them to God, fo asxlrat they may be a part of the Chrittian life. But I have made frnall progrefs in the praôtice of it, but have found flips that way bitter. As particularly on Friday morning, I fpent fo much time in fleep, when I íhould havebeen otherwife employed, that it made me go halting all the day ; and lb much the more, that I had been attacked inprayer with carnalitybefore, which was not duly refitted ; and from thence I datedthat carnal frame. Thus I found my confcience defiled, and on the morrow after it lay heavy on me, I came from family- prayer that day (viz. Saturday), where I could not get all my mind told before the Lord, unto my clofet; whither when I came, the, fenfe. of
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