368 MEMOIRS OF PERIOD XY. 4. I have a hope of heaven, through refus Chrift : and the Lordknows, it moves me to defire, long, and feek after being made meet for it, in purification from fin, 1 John iii. 3. 5. I love the púrity of the divine image expreffed in the holy law, and every line of it, fo far as I difcern it ; and even there where it ftrikes againft the, fin that moft eafily befets me : Heb. viii. 10. ; P1á1. cxix. 6. ; Rom. vii. 22. 6. I have a meafure of confidence, that I will get complete life and filvation : but that confidence is not in the flefh ; for, God knows, I am heartily out with myfelf, with refpe& to all the periods of my life, any one ofwhich, I fee, would undoubt- edly ruin me, and that moltjuftly. So I am razed from off my own bottom, and have no confidence of acceptance with God-, but in Chritt crucified, who loved me, and gave himfelf for me: Mat. v. 3. ; Phil. iii. 3. Laftly, As to that particular matter which it has pleafed my God to make -the fpecial continued trial of the moft part of my life, which has been the molt exquifiteone to me, and has often threatened to baffle all my evidences for heaven, as being the one thing lacking; I can fay, i. I fincerely defire to be as a weaned child in it, to get above it, to quit it to the Lord, and 'to take Chrift in its .room and flead, Matth. v. 6. 2. I have fometimes got above it, from fpiritual principles, motives, and ends, Mark ix. 47. ; Pfal. xviii. 23. 3. Whereas it has often got the maftery over me, and held me down; like a giant on a little child, or a mountain on a worm, I am heartily afhamed. thereof before the Lord: And that is one of the main things which have made the courfe of my pall life fo notably loathfome unto me, upon the review I have been making of it. And thus it hath contributed to empty me, (hake nie out of myfelf, and to drive nie unto Chrift, 1;zek. xxxvi. 31. 4. Notwithftanding all my unbecoming quarrelling with my Lord upon that head, I would lie againft my own foul, if I fhould deny, that I vwould rather have a crofs of his chufing for me, than a crown of my own chufing for myfelf. The which now is, and was the teftimony of my confcience, on Tuefday, when I was examining myfelf in the point of fubmitting my lot to him, Pfal. xlvii. 4. 5. And, laftly, I love God in Chrift above it, being content to quit it for him, tho' I cannot hinder the old man to reclaim ; and could be fatisfied in the enjoyment of God without.it, but by no means with it without him, as fometimes I have clearly perceived, when the trial was like to be removed. Wherefore, fince that has been what ofall worldly things had moil of my heart, and what I thought I could leaft brook the want of, and yet my heart Rands thus difpofed towards it, I conclude that I love God in Chrift above all : Matth. x. 37. with Luke xiv. 26; Hab. iii. 17. 18. ; Plal. lxxiii. 25. Thefe things, intermixed with prayer, being difpatched, I then fet myfelf to prayers and fupplications with reference par-
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