8Á MEMOIRS or PERIOD v.. " Lord. That fcribble gives an idea of the then temper of my fpirit, and the trying circumflances I then found myfelf in, being every where feared at by forne. Jan. 21. When I arofe this morning, I began to look for fome- thing to meditate on, and that word carne, Jer. xxxi. 3. " I " have loved thee with an everlatting love ; therefore with " loving-kindnefs have I drawn thee." My foul grafped at it; I meditated on it with a heart fomewhat elevated ; yet I faw much unbelief in my heart, which was my burden. I thought I loved Chritt ; and then that word, 1. John iv. 19. ' ` We love " him, becaufe he firft loved us," came. I faw love began on Chrift's fide ; yet I could not but with doubting affent to the conclufion, that God loved me. I went to prayer, poured out my foul, lamenting over my unbelief, which did then eminently appear and fhew itfelf to me. I was called thereafter to break- fait, but that word, Jer. xxxi. 3. (tuck with me, and yet does ; it is fweet as the honey-comb. When I was at prayer, I thought the Lord explained that word to me ; " Therefore with loving- " kindnefs have I drawn thee," that God's drawing me to him - felfby the gofpel in a loving way, was an evidence and token of his everlafting love. While I meditated on my fermon, that word, Pfal. cii. 16. " When the Lord than build up Zion, " he (hall appear in his glory," came again to me, (for at this time it was much on my heart). I thought on it. My foul was deeply affected under the fenfe of Chrift's withdrawing from or- dinances, and my heart groaned under the fenfe of his abfence. My foul longed for the day that the houfe fhould be built, and the rubbifh taken away. It fent me to prayer. I began to this purpofe, Why haft thou forfaken thine own houfe? and it was prefently fuggefted to me, that Chritl doth as a man that bath his houfe a-building ; he comes now and then and fees it, but does not flay, and will not come to dwell in it till it be built up. My heart and foul cried vehemently to the Lord for his return, and the grief of my heart often made my fpeech to fail. I cried to the Lord as the great Watchman; " What of the night ?" this fad night, when the fun goes down at noon-day ? I was once going to fay, Lord, what need I preach? but 1 durit not bring it out ; fo I was filent for a time. My foul defired, that either he would come to me in ordinances, or take me to him inheaven, if it were his will. When I arofe from prayer, I couldget nothing but flilt that word, P(á1. cii. 16. Lord, haften the day then. When I went to bed this night, that word came into my mind Whom (hall I fend ? Send me." I thought on going to the north, and was content to go any way, north, fouth, or where- ever. My heart began to wander (I think, falling afleep) ; and I faid in my heart the words of a curfe againft rnyfelf ufed by rude ungodly people, " If," &c. They carne like a flafh of * *So the author model-Hy calls this foliloquy, though, fince its publication, it has beenuniverfally admired, and confidereçbas a mafterpiece of the kind.
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