16994, MR T1IÓ112AS BOSTON. ' My fon, defpife not thou the chaftening of the Lord," &c. My deje6tedframe of fpirit often recurred, and was with me on the Lord's day morning, June 4. ; at which time, in prayer, the Lord put in his hand at the hole of the lock, and my bowels moved for him ; my heart was touched, and in a mournful mood I cried to him. Some time after I found I could not believe ; and how ¡hall I preach ? thought I : yet I thought I would ven- ture, and lean on Chrift ; and this I thought was faith, not- withftanding my former denial. In the forenoon, Lthought my heart was very unwieldy. In the afternoon I had feveral ups and downs in the very time of the work. Slily foul bare me wit- nefs, that I was not fatisfied with ordinances without Chrift. And after all was over, in my retirement, I was clear, in that thought many times fear I have never yet got a futficient difco- very of Chrift, yet whatever difcovery I have had of him, I was fatisfied to take Chrift alone, and that I could not be fatisfied without him, though I had the whole world, yea heaven ittelf. The Lord gave me fuch a fight of my own vilenefs, that when I looked to myfelf in that pulpit, I loathed myfelf; as unworthy to have been there with fuch a whole heart, and without right up- takings of Chrift. I examined myfelfon my delire Of Chritt, Paying, What if it be merely from an enlightened confcience ? but my foul faid, it would delire him, though there wère no fear of wrath ; and though ('per impofbile) I had a difpenfation for my molt beloved lulls, I would not delire to make ufe of it.; I thought I loved him for himfelf. I preached this day in Lang- ton ; and after the evening- exercife Mr Dyfert faid to me, You would have done better to have gone to the well, befide Mr Murray, for there you would have got akirk. My proud heart took this ill, and I had a fecret diflatisfaétion with my own lot, in that I was not fettled. RefleCting upon this in fecret, I ob- ferved, how. in three things, fince I .came to this country, Satan has overcome me, even in thotè things that 1 preached againft. 1. Preaching at Dunfe, I preached againft immoderate fleep as a great wafter of time ; and quickly after I fell into this. 2. Laft Thurfday I preached, that unwatchfulnefs was the caufe why it is not with God's people as in times pail ; and the very famé night my heart fell a-roving. 3. At this evening-exercife I lec- tured on l eb. xiii. and particularly that word, " Be content " with fuch things as ye have ;" and immediately after this, diffatisfaótion feized me, for which my heart abhors my heart. Wherefore being convinced of my danger, I refolved, in the Lord's 'ftrength, from henceforth to make my fermons the fubjeét of my Sabbath- night's meditation, and fo to improve them for myfelf. The fermon I found was not loft as to fome others. I was alfo extremely hard put to it the week following, after My return fromColdingharn, mfomuch that having attempted to RudyCant. i. 3. Í was obliged to give it over, and fall on Luke xiii. 24. By this means preaching became, in afort, a terror to No. 2. G
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