56 MEMOIRS OF PERIOD VI. be a hypocrite, and yet hatehypocrify in others-; that one could be a hypocrite, and not know himfelf to be a hypocrite ? I have been preaching much this long time to drive people out of them- felwes to Chrift, and this let me fee the need of fuch do&rine. In thebeginning of that month, noword being come from the prefbytery of Stirling, I had laid' my plot to remove.; and ti.rfi to go to that country upon bufanefs, and then to Galloway. Mean while the prefbytery, who. met at Churnfde on the 4th, had de-. fired me to preach at Simprin the followingLord's day ; to which I confented, being to continue in the country till the Sabbath was over, and no where elfe engaged. July 6. Yefterday, and this morning there was in my heart a great averfenefs to duty. I heard Mr Colden's weekly fermon,, and got feveral checks and rebukes from it. The pfklm we fimg held my fin before my eyes. After dinner I began ferioufly to refle& on my cafe. I draggedmyfelf to prayer, but it was a ftrange exercife to me. Many fad halts I made in it. I fawmy dreadful departings from the Lord, fo that I durit fcarcely feek any thing of God, and not but with great difficulty feek. a crumb of mercy, or that the Lord_ would take away this averfenefs from duty. I remember I was going to feek one drop of Chrift's blood for my miferable foul, but with horror of mind, and a. shivering ofmy very body, I durft not afk it. I thought I would have been content to have been revenged on myfelf, and to have. put a penknife into my heart. I laid myfelf down before the Lord, defiring him to do with-mewhat hepleafed, though it were to make me a monument of his indignation. Afterward I fat . and walked like one out of his wits took up the Bible to read, and that word at the far-ft met me, Jer. viii. g. ° The wife men " are affiamed," &c. This put me to a fad pafs. I turned to. my ordinary ; but there was no. help. AfterwardsI was raying within myfelf, O what will the Lord dowith me ; and that word . came into my mind; Íf. xlix. iii. Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands," &e. 1 frequently rejeáted it,, yet it ftil'1 returned ; at lait, thought I,; dare I believe it? and by this time I had more uptakings of mercy, went to prayer, and was fomewhat helped to believe. On the 8th, confidering the perplexingcireumftatices I was in, and finding myheart brought to a better temper with refpee . to them than fome time before, I began at night ferioufly to delibe- rate how I might carry under theta as a Chriftian; which was continued next morning, beingFriday. There were three things firwweighty in the complication t I. The broken ftate of muy health; e. My being in terms of marriage; 3. No probability of my fettlement. To carry Chriftianly in. thefe perplexing cir- cumftances, I propofed to myfelf, that I íhould, 1. Live near God, fo as my heart fhould not have wherewith to reproach me, Job xxvii. 6. Acts xxiii. 1. ; e. Beware of anxious thoughts a- bout them ; lay them before the Lord in prayer, and leave them
RkJQdWJsaXNoZXIy OTcyMjk=