Boston - BX9225 B68 A1 1805

vt MEMOIRS 01' PERIOD VII, to manage the fubjeót of the commendation of Chrift, which yet I was led to. On the Satruday I could do no more but look up under the plague of a hard heart, and was fadly checked for my carriage on Thurfday night before fermon, which I took to he the procuring caufe ofall this. In the afternoon 1 went to Kelfo, where,' on the Lord's day, I was under apprehenfions of the Lord's anger ; yet could not my heart be kindly broken, nor -could I wreftle with him for his pity. In the forenoon I had the mercy `to fpeak clearly and diftinaly ; but it was not right with me. I. endeavoured between fermons to confers my fin, and cry for the Lord'shelp ; yet faintly : howbeit it went tome better in the afternoon ; and to fome it appeareda good day : butmy guilty confcience kept me from the confidence in the Lord that fume- times I had reached. Late in the night I got a little healing4 which I found continuing with me on the Monday morning. Jan. 1. 1,700. Which day having come home, I went on the morrow to the prefbytery ; Where Mr Watfonaforefaid delivered his homily before them. My heart, troubled by occafionof him, was, by means of his prayer, fomewhat calmed. But his homily was a mere' bawble, therefore rejeóted by the prelbytery, and he difmiffed : and herein the brethren were of one accord, excepting Mr Alexander Lauder, author of the hook, entitled, The ancient bi/hops' con zdered, who in that matter was in the extreme of niodeíty. I have oftener than once, in filch cafes, with concern nbferved the.more learned men eafeft to pleafe. Whether it be an effe&t of generofity, ailing from theirfuperior genius, and their more thorough conviction of the weaknefs of hurnan uuderftand- ing ; or of their not applying themfelves to notice ftriótly, and oblérve; or that the warmeft heart is not always joined with the cleareft head : however that is, I was much of eéted with the goodnefs ofGod in that matter I had fo much had at heart. Mean while 1 had frill walked halting, until Friday, Tan. 5. when, ftudying a fermon on John v. 40. things were, clearly laid to my hand ; whereupon my falle heart began to be lifted up : but the Lord turned the chace, and I was made to fee my own emptinefs and nothingnefs, and my heart was enlarged in thank- fulnefs,' my mind more than 'ordinarily cleared as to the uptaking of the Lord's word, and my heart heavenly ; fo that I got the revival I had waited for thefe feveral days. But oh ! my boy is mixed with mourning ; for I fear I will not get his fmiles kept, and his frowns are bitter as death. Reading and tinging at the exercife were a little heaven to me ; God was a commentator to me. In prayer my heart was melted for my fins, and that as they feparated me from God, whowas now come again to me. I was afraid to live longer, becaufe of my bare heart. Fain would I have been with Chriftout of the reach of it, being content to leave all the world. Afterwards God continued to be gracious ; but oh! oh! my heart is afraid of a back-cart from Satan, and evil heart, and my foul is really almoft overwhelmed with fears,

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